raftermania
Banned
PLEASE NOTE: The following story is purely fictional. Absolutely no portion of this story is intended to reflect real-life realities of any nature. Also please read the entire story before generating any reactions. Thanks.
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I played Marius once when I was in Montreal. It wasn't very elucidating, it was actually very disturbing.
He's actually a really overweight guy. After our pre-game warm-up he was panting and his shirt was drenched in sweat. I stood at the net as he fell to his knees before me, clenching his elbow in pain, "MY ARM, OH GOD, MY ARM! IT HURTS!" I looked to see that Marius was using a Gamma Big Bubba strung with some sort of poly/kevlar hybrid. I then looked to his bag and it indeed said: "Marius Hancu: The Big Bubba" and it was chock full of Big Bubbas.
I ran into the clubhouse to fetch some ice and when I returned Marius had fainted. I quickly knelt down to his side and checked his vitals. There was no pulse or breathing. I cried, "OH GOD NO! THE LEGEND OF TW HAS PERISHED!!!". A pair of juniors playing next door heard me and ran over, I shouted at them, "YOU FOOLS! THIS MAN IS THE LIFEBLOOD OF CANADIAN TENNIS! RUN FOR HELP CHILDREN!! FLY! FLY! FLY!!!!" The kids scurried off in a panic as I proceeded to initiate CPR on Marius.
I felt blessed that I could be responsible for saving our savour Marius Hancu's life, but at this moment Marius' eyes flashed open, revealing the bloodshot white of his eyes, "THE LEGEND LIVES ON!" he exalted with glory, as he sprung to his feet. I jumped back in shock, not knowing what just happened. "Marius?! How can this be! You are a god! You are a legend! You were dead just 10 seconds ago!"
"AHA! Young hall of famer, you have much to learn about the art of tennis! Come! Come with me back to the baseline! I shall give you a lesson in the graceful stroke known as the serve!"
I followed a miraculously rejuvenated Hancu back to the baseline to watch the legend serve. My imagination was salivating at the prospect, "But Marius, we haven't any balls!"
"jonny! Balls!" Marius yelled behind himself.
I looked back to see a 59 year old man. "Hey rafter! It's me jonnyf!!!"
"Whoa whoa whoa! I thought you were a kid!"
"LOL! You thought I was from scotland too! SUCKER!"
Jonny wiped the smile off his face, coughed up a large chunk of phlegm and threw a ball to Marius.
"Thanks Jonny"
"Now rafter, the greatest aspect of the serve is imagery and mental willpower. You will notice this in all the great servers: McEnroe, Edberg, Arazi and Sampras. For me I like to think about a Big Mac and if I hit the serve, for example, out wide, as I envisioned, I would get to eat an imaginary Big Mac in my head and if not, I would be set back to "New User" status on the board. But for you it could be different.
I nodded in easy agreement, eager to see the serve. "OKAY Marius! Now let's see the serve!"
"Here it comes rafter! Prepare to be mesmerized!"
Cupping the ball, Marius flailed his arm into the air throwing up a very errant toss. He then jumped to the side and took a very awkward swing, destroying his balance and fell to the floor.
"HEY! YOU'RE NOT MARIUS! MARIUS CAN SERVE! AND HE'S ALSO IN EXTRAORDINARY SHAPE!!!"
Marius muttered something inaudibly and quickly turned to Jonny, "GET HIM!!!" Before I had time to react, I turned to see a steamrolling Jonnyf as he collided with me and threw me to the floor. I struggled but the old man got on top of me, pinning me down.
"WHAT THE HECK?!!? WHAT'S GOING ON!" I demanded.
"WHAT'S YOUR TW PASSWORD?!" Jonny yelled in my face.
"WHAT?! WHAT THE HECK?!"
Marius was now on his feet standing over me, "YOUR TW PASSWORD, GIVE IT TO US!"
"NEVER!!!" I SCREAMED.
Jonny then clenched my throat, "Your TW PA-" "WHAT THE?!" Jonny looked into the air, releasing some pressure off me. I peered up to look as well. "Holy smokes! It's the TW Chopper!" I smiled with joy.
It was indeed the TW Chopper. An old Apache helicopter decommissioned from Desert Storm and purchased by Tennis Warehouse. It's magnificient twin-turbo engines were now deafening as the mighty bird came into attack range. Marius screamed in terror and began to run away. I then looked back at the TW Chopper as it's 6.35 cm gatling gun opened fire. A barrage of tennis balls blasted from the gun's barrels faster than any Roddick serve. Quickly, I glanced back at a fleeing Marius only to see him riddled with tennis balls, falling to the ground once again.
Jonny now got off of me to prepare an escape of his own - but unfortunately he would not get far because as the TW chopper flew overhead, A man jumped from the cockpit and jump-kicked Jonny to the ground.
"Rafter! Are you okay?!" The man asked.
"WOW! Thanks for saving my life! But who are you?!"
The man revealed a badge from his jacket and flipped it open in my face - I quickly recognized the ubiquitous TW logo and beside it "TW DON". Don then turned and pointed his thumb over his shoulder to reveal a giant TW LOGO on the back of his jacket.
"WHOA! TW DON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MONTREAL?!"
"Well Rafter, we were here in Canada closing out negotiations to open a TW branch in your fine country when we were alerted by the real jonnyf that there were some "new users" coming to get you. We got here as quickly as we could."
"That's amazing! But why?!"
"Well it's a long story, but the reader's digest version goes like this: Recently there have been users trying to deface the board. Through Jonny's remarkable resources he was able to tell us some malicious users were planing to fool you into believing they were Marius and Jonny so they could get your password and then use your account of good standing to demolish the boards. Obviously, we couldn't let that happen."
"HOLY! NO WAY! I didn't know people took the board that seriously!!! Wow!"
"Wow indeed rafter. Now we must get back to the meeting with Richie Rich, please accept this one trillion dollar TW gift certificate as a gift of good will that you keep this incident secret and mention none of it on the boards."
"Okay! No sweat! Cya!"
"Cya!" Don then waved at TW Chris who piloted the chopper to a hover over us and dropped a rope. Don then grabbed the rope and the TW chopper flew off into the sunset.
I gathered myself, put the trillion dollar gift certificate in my pocket and tried to conceive what exactly just happened. I gave up moments later and decided to go home, I collected the balls shot at the fake Marius in a garbage bag and walked off the courts.
As I was leaving the club, I saw this man cycling at Lance Armstrong like speeds. Wow, that guy is fast I thought to myself. It now appeared he was racing this way; he was. The cyclist quickly approached and came to an even faster stop. This day couldn't get more interesting I thought as I looked over this man's chiseled body. He wore a skin-tight spandex cycling suit, and on his right breast were the initials, MH.
"MH?! Mar-"
"That's right raftermania, it's me Marius Hancu. Sorry I couldn't get here sooner, but I was over at Uniprix stadium cheering on Aleksandra Wozniak as she was playing a tie-breaker in the fifth match of the Fed Cup finals. I'm so glad she won! Canada wins both Fed Cup and the Davis Cup this year! I'm so happy."
"Well, it's obvious that Canadians would dominate all countries in tennis." I explained, "We even showed those flamboyant TW users, at the TW Davis Cup. And that Andres guy was all talk, Argentina got knocked out in the first round against Antarctica LMAO!"
Just then this younger guy showed up drinking a Sprite and eating Ice Cream.
"Hey?! Who are you?!" I asked.
"Hey raftermania, it's me jonnyf! Hey Marius, what's happening! Hey look who I brought! Pete Sampras!"
Pete Sampras: "Hey guys, how about I give you all a real lesson in serving from a true legend! No offense, Marius!"
Marius: "It's okay Pete! I'm just glad you mentioned my name after beating Federer in the finals of Wimbledon last year!"
Pete: "Don't mention it, I'm in the best shape of my life because of you! How do you do it Marius?"
Marius: "Don't ask me Pete! DO A SEARCH!"
The four of them LOL'ed and went to play tennis.
THE END
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I played Marius once when I was in Montreal. It wasn't very elucidating, it was actually very disturbing.
He's actually a really overweight guy. After our pre-game warm-up he was panting and his shirt was drenched in sweat. I stood at the net as he fell to his knees before me, clenching his elbow in pain, "MY ARM, OH GOD, MY ARM! IT HURTS!" I looked to see that Marius was using a Gamma Big Bubba strung with some sort of poly/kevlar hybrid. I then looked to his bag and it indeed said: "Marius Hancu: The Big Bubba" and it was chock full of Big Bubbas.
I ran into the clubhouse to fetch some ice and when I returned Marius had fainted. I quickly knelt down to his side and checked his vitals. There was no pulse or breathing. I cried, "OH GOD NO! THE LEGEND OF TW HAS PERISHED!!!". A pair of juniors playing next door heard me and ran over, I shouted at them, "YOU FOOLS! THIS MAN IS THE LIFEBLOOD OF CANADIAN TENNIS! RUN FOR HELP CHILDREN!! FLY! FLY! FLY!!!!" The kids scurried off in a panic as I proceeded to initiate CPR on Marius.
I felt blessed that I could be responsible for saving our savour Marius Hancu's life, but at this moment Marius' eyes flashed open, revealing the bloodshot white of his eyes, "THE LEGEND LIVES ON!" he exalted with glory, as he sprung to his feet. I jumped back in shock, not knowing what just happened. "Marius?! How can this be! You are a god! You are a legend! You were dead just 10 seconds ago!"
"AHA! Young hall of famer, you have much to learn about the art of tennis! Come! Come with me back to the baseline! I shall give you a lesson in the graceful stroke known as the serve!"
I followed a miraculously rejuvenated Hancu back to the baseline to watch the legend serve. My imagination was salivating at the prospect, "But Marius, we haven't any balls!"
"jonny! Balls!" Marius yelled behind himself.
I looked back to see a 59 year old man. "Hey rafter! It's me jonnyf!!!"
"Whoa whoa whoa! I thought you were a kid!"
"LOL! You thought I was from scotland too! SUCKER!"
Jonny wiped the smile off his face, coughed up a large chunk of phlegm and threw a ball to Marius.
"Thanks Jonny"
"Now rafter, the greatest aspect of the serve is imagery and mental willpower. You will notice this in all the great servers: McEnroe, Edberg, Arazi and Sampras. For me I like to think about a Big Mac and if I hit the serve, for example, out wide, as I envisioned, I would get to eat an imaginary Big Mac in my head and if not, I would be set back to "New User" status on the board. But for you it could be different.
I nodded in easy agreement, eager to see the serve. "OKAY Marius! Now let's see the serve!"
"Here it comes rafter! Prepare to be mesmerized!"
Cupping the ball, Marius flailed his arm into the air throwing up a very errant toss. He then jumped to the side and took a very awkward swing, destroying his balance and fell to the floor.
"HEY! YOU'RE NOT MARIUS! MARIUS CAN SERVE! AND HE'S ALSO IN EXTRAORDINARY SHAPE!!!"
Marius muttered something inaudibly and quickly turned to Jonny, "GET HIM!!!" Before I had time to react, I turned to see a steamrolling Jonnyf as he collided with me and threw me to the floor. I struggled but the old man got on top of me, pinning me down.
"WHAT THE HECK?!!? WHAT'S GOING ON!" I demanded.
"WHAT'S YOUR TW PASSWORD?!" Jonny yelled in my face.
"WHAT?! WHAT THE HECK?!"
Marius was now on his feet standing over me, "YOUR TW PASSWORD, GIVE IT TO US!"
"NEVER!!!" I SCREAMED.
Jonny then clenched my throat, "Your TW PA-" "WHAT THE?!" Jonny looked into the air, releasing some pressure off me. I peered up to look as well. "Holy smokes! It's the TW Chopper!" I smiled with joy.
It was indeed the TW Chopper. An old Apache helicopter decommissioned from Desert Storm and purchased by Tennis Warehouse. It's magnificient twin-turbo engines were now deafening as the mighty bird came into attack range. Marius screamed in terror and began to run away. I then looked back at the TW Chopper as it's 6.35 cm gatling gun opened fire. A barrage of tennis balls blasted from the gun's barrels faster than any Roddick serve. Quickly, I glanced back at a fleeing Marius only to see him riddled with tennis balls, falling to the ground once again.
Jonny now got off of me to prepare an escape of his own - but unfortunately he would not get far because as the TW chopper flew overhead, A man jumped from the cockpit and jump-kicked Jonny to the ground.
"Rafter! Are you okay?!" The man asked.
"WOW! Thanks for saving my life! But who are you?!"
The man revealed a badge from his jacket and flipped it open in my face - I quickly recognized the ubiquitous TW logo and beside it "TW DON". Don then turned and pointed his thumb over his shoulder to reveal a giant TW LOGO on the back of his jacket.
"WHOA! TW DON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MONTREAL?!"
"Well Rafter, we were here in Canada closing out negotiations to open a TW branch in your fine country when we were alerted by the real jonnyf that there were some "new users" coming to get you. We got here as quickly as we could."
"That's amazing! But why?!"
"Well it's a long story, but the reader's digest version goes like this: Recently there have been users trying to deface the board. Through Jonny's remarkable resources he was able to tell us some malicious users were planing to fool you into believing they were Marius and Jonny so they could get your password and then use your account of good standing to demolish the boards. Obviously, we couldn't let that happen."
"HOLY! NO WAY! I didn't know people took the board that seriously!!! Wow!"
"Wow indeed rafter. Now we must get back to the meeting with Richie Rich, please accept this one trillion dollar TW gift certificate as a gift of good will that you keep this incident secret and mention none of it on the boards."
"Okay! No sweat! Cya!"
"Cya!" Don then waved at TW Chris who piloted the chopper to a hover over us and dropped a rope. Don then grabbed the rope and the TW chopper flew off into the sunset.
I gathered myself, put the trillion dollar gift certificate in my pocket and tried to conceive what exactly just happened. I gave up moments later and decided to go home, I collected the balls shot at the fake Marius in a garbage bag and walked off the courts.
As I was leaving the club, I saw this man cycling at Lance Armstrong like speeds. Wow, that guy is fast I thought to myself. It now appeared he was racing this way; he was. The cyclist quickly approached and came to an even faster stop. This day couldn't get more interesting I thought as I looked over this man's chiseled body. He wore a skin-tight spandex cycling suit, and on his right breast were the initials, MH.
"MH?! Mar-"
"That's right raftermania, it's me Marius Hancu. Sorry I couldn't get here sooner, but I was over at Uniprix stadium cheering on Aleksandra Wozniak as she was playing a tie-breaker in the fifth match of the Fed Cup finals. I'm so glad she won! Canada wins both Fed Cup and the Davis Cup this year! I'm so happy."
"Well, it's obvious that Canadians would dominate all countries in tennis." I explained, "We even showed those flamboyant TW users, at the TW Davis Cup. And that Andres guy was all talk, Argentina got knocked out in the first round against Antarctica LMAO!"
Just then this younger guy showed up drinking a Sprite and eating Ice Cream.
"Hey?! Who are you?!" I asked.
"Hey raftermania, it's me jonnyf! Hey Marius, what's happening! Hey look who I brought! Pete Sampras!"
Pete Sampras: "Hey guys, how about I give you all a real lesson in serving from a true legend! No offense, Marius!"
Marius: "It's okay Pete! I'm just glad you mentioned my name after beating Federer in the finals of Wimbledon last year!"
Pete: "Don't mention it, I'm in the best shape of my life because of you! How do you do it Marius?"
Marius: "Don't ask me Pete! DO A SEARCH!"
The four of them LOL'ed and went to play tennis.
THE END
