Well let's see if I can live up to my name.
I didn't read the whole thread, so most of this has already been said.
The keys to returning serve, in my mind, are actually very basic tennis principles.
1. Anticipation. This is something that comes with time, but you can take a crash course during the warm-up for the match. First you need to notice the handedness of your opponent. Right-handers tend to spin the ball out wide from the duece court, and into your body from the ad court. Opposite with left-handers. Mainly, this applies to second serves because most club players just try to bomb in their first serves, and spin will not affect it as much. So if you notice the pattern of placement and spin during warm-ups you can anticipate and get a jump on the serve.
Now, if they use a big kick serve standing farther back is NOT the right away to recieve, that's exactly what they want to do. The key is to treat the ball like an approach shot, and hit it before it can get above shoulder level.
2. Backswing. This is slightly more obvious, but a lot of players still don't use a proper backswing on return of serve. On second serves, most of the time it is okay to wind up and let one rip. But for first serves, unless you're playing someone who can't serve to save their life, you need to severly shorten your backswing. Especially when you also have to move quickly to get into position(more on that later). A good return backswing has two points. The first one is getting the racket lined up, so all you have to do is move it to either side of your body, at about the midpoint of a normal swing. The second is the swing itself. Since your racket is already in position to hit, a fast swing is a negative. Use the pace on the serve and simply follow-through the ball. One, two.
3. Positioning. Most people stand either on, or slightly behind the baseline to return serve for the first serve, which is a good place. The problem comes when the serve is actually coming at them. They either run parallel to the baseline, or backwards. You've got to move into the ball, shorten the distance by running forward on an angle. If it's coming right at you, of course, all you've got to do is move to either side, whichever shot you're more comfortable returning with. Positioning is very important on serve return because if you hit a weak return, obviously you're already out of the point.
Whew...I think that's about it. Correct me on anything I messed up with, if you see it, or just tell me to shaddup.
Hope I helped.