Your favourite one liner/short jokes

donquijote

Legend
I love one liner jokes!
Just the short ones please. Okay maybe two lines is also OK!

Here is a couple from the legendary Rodney Dangerfield (RIP).

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from the hotel.

A bartender asked me what I would like to have. I said 'Surprise me!' and he showed me a naked picture of my wife!
 

Big_Dangerous

Talk Tennis Guru
I love one liner jokes!
Just the short ones please. Okay maybe two lines is also OK!

Here is a couple from the legendary Rodney Dangerfield (RIP).

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from the hotel.

A bartender asked me what I would like to have. I said 'Surprise me!' and he showed me a naked picture of my wife!
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
 

Sudacafan

G.O.A.T.
Groucho Marx’s are among the best:

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
 

Sudacafan

G.O.A.T.
- How do you load 4 elephants into a Mini Cooper?
- I don’t know. It’s impossible.
- Two in the front seats and two in the rear seats. And 4 hippopotamuses?
- Same way, I guess.
- No, you can’t. Because the elephants are there.
 

donquijote

Legend
"The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly." -- Jimmy Carr
 

donquijote

Legend
Groucho Marx’s are among the best:

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
These sound like they are from the Middle Ages. :)
You must be very old. :p
 
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  • When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
  • Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


 

Sudacafan

G.O.A.T.
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  • When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
  • Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


I could write thousands of one liners starting with those words I highlighted above.
 
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donquijote

Legend
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  • When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
  • Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


Once I had a talking parrot but didn't ask for food, so it died.
 

stringertom

Bionic Poster
Groucho Marx’s are among the best:

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
#1 reminds me of a real conversation Churchill had at a dinner party when the hostess ridiculed the statesman for being intoxicated:

“My dear you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly!”
 

MichaelNadal

Bionic Poster
"I repeat..... I did not sleep with that young intern. As a matter of fact......... I was UP ALL NIGHTTTTT hahaha!"


2:10 :D
 

Vcore89

G.O.A.T.
From Pulp Fiction: ;) [not a one-liner, but . . .]

Zeus: Why do you keep calling me 'Jesus'? Do I look Puerto Rican to you?

John McClane: Guy back there called you 'Jesus'.

Zeus: He didn't say 'Jesus'. He said, "Hey, Zeus!" My name is Zeus.
 

stringertom

Bionic Poster
From Pulp Fiction: ;) [not a one-liner, but . . .]

Zeus: Why do you keep calling me 'Jesus'? Do I look Puerto Rican to you?

John McClane: Guy back there called you 'Jesus'.

Zeus: He didn't say 'Jesus'. He said, "Hey, Zeus!" My name is Zeus.
Bruce Willis played John McClane in Die Hard. He played Butch Coolidge in Pulp Fiction.
 

Sudacafan

G.O.A.T.
And what about Yogisms, from late coach Yogi Berra? Here are some.

"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."
"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.”
“It’s déjà vu all over again.”
“It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.”


  • Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

 

BarNotchky

Semi-Pro
Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

When cows laugh real hard, does milk come out their nose?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Why did the bride wear an antenna to her wedding? Better Reception.


Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news
Patient: I can’t take any more bad news, just give me the good news
Doctor: They’re going to name a disease after you!


Yogi, on the Hilton:
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

Yogi, on theory vs practice.
In theory there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
 

T1000

Legend
From Pulp Fiction: ;) [not a one-liner, but . . .]

Zeus: Why do you keep calling me 'Jesus'? Do I look Puerto Rican to you?

John McClane: Guy back there called you 'Jesus'.

Zeus: He didn't say 'Jesus'. He said, "Hey, Zeus!" My name is Zeus.
My favorite part of that movie is when John McClane finds out he’s been dead the whole time
 

stringertom

Bionic Poster
And what about Yogisms, from late coach Yogi Berra? Here are some.

"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."
"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.”
“It’s déjà vu all over again.”
“It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.”


  • Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

“I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.”

“If people don’t want to come to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?”

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.”

“It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”

“Congratulations! I knew the record would stand until it was broken.”

“I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”

“He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”

“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
 
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