A Tragic Apology [Sad, Short Story]

[slice bh compliment]

Great story. Emo culture still lives. Well, sorta.

Hey, if you added some irony to it, or a circuitous moral....or maybe rely less upon a character name and add a detail that helps to flesh out the character of the dad, the mom or Kei himself.

Like maybe a particular part of the breakfast (nice touch from DP, btw)...the mom's hairclip or bauble, the dad's old shirt or the smell of his hair in the carseats...some touchstone to help the reader in a little bit more rather than relying upon the sock, horror and anguish of loss/death.

I don't know. I'm not saying you need to make a short story long. But develop it some more. That's a part of writing.

 

[Gee Willikers Batman!]

LMFAO. I just now re-read this piece of crap. I can't believe I wrote this so poorly. If I showed this to my English teacher she would laugh at me to no end. Dear god!

 

[SirBlend12]

LMFAO. I just now re-read this piece of crap. I can't believe I wrote this so poorly. If I showed this to my English teacher she would laugh at me to no end. Dear god!

Dude, if the idea was to write an epic tragedy, she should not be laughing at this. It has everything needed to create the perfect blend of emotional appeal, mystery, surprise and discomforting resolve that embodies classic tragedy.

My advisor would hand you at least a B for this because of how well it conveys the imagery and follows the prompt alone.

Though, Rickson did have some hilarious alternate endings in mind.

Give it a shot. Revise the spelling and grammatical errors and hand it in. If you like, you could expand upon it, as well. Unless your teacher dropped out of high school, he/she should see exactly what I did.

Nice work.

 

[GeorgeLucas]

I've reworked your ending

Overwrought with grief, Kei's fragile sanity crumbles into a torrent of delirium.

Chicken?? KFC??

Colonel Sanders appears to Kei through the smog.

"Here. This is my secret recipe. I want you to have it, Kei."

Kei's feels liquids coming out of his eyes and recalls a chemistry class: "Tears are not plain water. Tears have salt in them..."

Colonel Sanders bequeaths the recipe to Kei, with a bucket of chicken... Then all is black, and the Colonel is returned into the blackness of hell from whence he came.

 

[SirBlend12]

Overwrought with grief, Kei's fragile sanity crumbles into a torrent of delirium.

Chicken?? KFC??

Colonel Sanders appears to Kei through the smog.

"Here. This is my secret recipe. I want you to have it, Kei."

Kei's feels liquids coming out of his eyes and recalls a chemistry class: "Tears are not plain water. Tears have salt in them..."

Colonel Sanders bequeaths the recipe to Kei, with a bucket of chicken... Then all is black, and the Colonel is returned into the blackness of hell from whence he came.

LMAO. To you, my friend, I shall forever tip my hat.

 

[Gee Willikers Batman!]

Dude, if the idea was to write an epic tragedy, she should not be laughing at this. It has everything needed to create the perfect blend of emotional appeal, mystery, surprise and discomforting resolve that embodies classic tragedy.

My advisor would hand you at least a B for this because of how well it conveys the imagery and follows the prompt alone.

Though, Rickson did have some hilarious alternate endings in mind.

Give it a shot. Revise the spelling and grammatical errors and hand it in. If you like, you could expand upon it, as well. Unless your teacher dropped out of high school, he/she should see exactly what I did.

Nice work.

Well after looking back, it seems to me my plot comprehension was non-existent. It's like I just put random tidbits here and there and nothing correctly followed. Random guy takes a walk and see's his mom burning in a car?

It's not the fact that it's horrid, its just I have learned SO much since I posted this and it makes my writing look superb now. Haha.

 

[fed_the_savior]

Well after looking back, it seems to me my plot comprehension was non-existent. It's like I just put random tidbits here and there and nothing correctly followed. Random guy takes a walk and see's his mom burning in a car?

It's not the fact that it's horrid, its just I have learned SO much since I posted this and it makes my writing look superb now. Haha.

so give us a sample of your new skillz holmes

 

[Frodo Baggins]

For a Min There?? When i read the title.. I Thought it Was FedAce Writing this:lol: LOL..

 

[SirBlend12]

Well after looking back, it seems to me my plot comprehension was non-existent. It's like I just put random tidbits here and there and nothing correctly followed. Random guy takes a walk and see's his mom burning in a car?

It's not the fact that it's horrid, its just I have learned SO much since I posted this and it makes my writing look superb now. Haha.

Well, there you go. Always a silver lining.

What you said about plot... have you read any Greek tragedies? Haha. You were quite spot on with construction...

 

[Tennisguy777]

http://www.bboy.org/forums/general-discussion/93705--tragic-apology-sad-short-story-.html#post951978

 

[Phil]

Nice, upbeat yarn. Reads like Morrissey's bio. Good job GeeWillikersBatman!

I am confused however, and need for you to clear up a question about Kei:
at the end of the story (the portion quoted above) you wrote that "Kei took his own life and finally for the first time in 10 years had smiled." Did he start smiling after he took his own life, or did he commit suicide for the first time in 10 years? Could you clear that up for me? Thanks! Otherwise, I loved it; hell, I even bought the Cliff Notes version as well:

Kei woke up and stumbled around his empty house into the cold, dark kitchen and pulled the one remaining Tsingtao "breakfast beer" out of the nearly empty refrigerator. Looking around, Kei suddenly realized that life sucked big-time. His father, the town's #1-ranked heroin addict had previously abandoned him and his family. Kei finished breakfast and went off in search of his often-drunk mother. He came upon the old sow lying on the side of the road; her Ford Pinto suddenly having caught fire after being rear-ended. As Kei approached her, withouth warning, an out-of-control UPS delivery truck hit them both, killing Kei and his mother on contact." The End.

.

Gosh...for the first time ever, I think I prefer the "Cliff Notes" version over the original! "breakfast beer"...oh geez, that brings back memories (some good, some not-so-good!).

 

[Love Game]

http://www.bboy.org/forums/general-discussion/93705--tragic-apology-sad-short-story-.html#post951978

okay. that is such a trip. i'm sitting here laughing at the fedace "apology" thread, and then I see this one with the same word in the title, so continued on. and now you've turned it into a mystery with that link, Tennisguy777! Mainly ... the mystery of how on earth you found that link. it's spooky for sure. word for word. same name, same dates, same dark story.

______

 

[TokyopunK]

okay. that is such a trip. i'm sitting here laughing at the fedace "apology" thread, and then I see this one with the same word in the title, so continued on. and now you've turned it into a mystery with that link, Tennisguy777! Mainly ... the mystery of how on earth you found that link. it's spooky for sure. word for word. same name, same dates, same dark story.

______

Hello??? It's the same guy, he just posted on two different forums of course!

 

[albino smurf]

too many graphs start with Kei.. pet peeve.

 

[NickC]

This story has a dark undertone. Are you hinting at suicide?

 

[Love Game]

Hello??? It's the same guy, he just posted on two different forums of course!

that's one possible explanation.
but it doesn't solve the mystery. :wink:

 

[Gee Willikers Batman!]

That user name is mine on bboy.org

As well as Slimmy.

Don't believe me? Look post #68 directly under this one.

 

[Gee Willikers Batman!]

EDIT: Here's the proof if you think I'm lying? (?)

http://img228.imageshack.us/my.php?image=awesomeya8.png

 

[TokyopunK]

Man why does Kei have to die in the end.... can't he push his arm out and stop the oncoming car.... and then he sees that his mom is still alive... and then they fall in love... but then she realizes that Kei is a vampire... but he doesn't eat humans only animals... and then she gets chased by a vampire that does eat humans... but then Kei saves her at the end.....

Like this... for a lead in...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6IiSwSidcQ

 

[GeorgeLucas]

Man why does Kei have to die in the end.... can't he push his arm out and stop the oncoming car.... and then he sees that his mom is still alive... and then they fall in love... but then she realizes that Kei is a vampire... but he doesn't eat humans only animals... and then she gets chased by a vampire that does eat humans... but then Kei saves her at the end.....

Like this... for a lead in...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6IiSwSidcQ

Kei falls in love with his mother? What, is this some kind of crazy Freudian slip??

 

[Love Game]

that's one possible explanation.
but it doesn't solve the mystery. :wink:

That user name is mine on bboy.org

As well as Slimmy.

Don't believe me? Look post #68 directly under this one.

that's not the mystery i was talking about.

i was talking about how did tennisguy discover that?

_____

 

[bugmenot]

Hyogen, stop being so cynical. You have no reason at all to doubt the OP.

Great story, mate.

Knowing GWB there is always doubt.

I also like that he bumped his own thread, stop looking for attention dude. If you want more people to read your story that's fine, but don't bump it and say it's such crap when you actually want more views.

 

[pmata814]

In my humble opinion I feel like you use too many 'big' words that are not really necessary. It feels forced...like you are purposely trying to sound sophisticated...and it comes off as fake. But what do I know

Great effort.

 

[Dedans Penthouse]

"But wait!...there's more!....."

Gee Willikers Batman,
I don't recall you establishing "mom's" religion in the original (good story!) of yours. If not, could you possibly "plug-in" some post-mortem identity establishing her as a devout Hindu and write a sequel with a 'reincarnation' premise? .... and maybe to include (amazingly enough), another out-of-control UPS truck? :razz:

The End (for now).....

 

[GeorgeLucas]

In my humble opinion I feel like you use too many 'big' words that are not really necessary. It feels forced...like you are purposely trying to sound sophisticated...and it comes off as fake. But what do I know

Great effort.

This. There's nothing wrong with using big words to paint a more colourful or vivid scene, but tossing these words around in your story salad sounds a little thesaurus-y.

 

[Dedans Penthouse]

Do heed pmata & George's words Willikers Batmeister (seriously)
Rhetorical "grandilloquence" can come across as superfluous diarrhea of the pen....and you can use many of my posts as an example ... ;-)

 

[Dedans Penthouse]

....for example, there's no need (in your sequel) to drag it out using "United Parcel Service" when "UPS" will suffice.

 

[Breaker]

Don't think it's quite dark enough mate.

 

[ichibanosaru]

Sort of like a Seinfeld episode in which his at-the-time girlfriend passes off some lines of a Neil Simon piece "Chapter Two" as her own work? :?

I don't know...

 

[Gee Willikers Batman!]

Sort of like a Seinfeld episode in which his at-the-time girlfriend passes off some lines of a Neil Simon piece "Chapter Two" as her own work? :?

I don't know...

Yeah, except I wrote this. Well, typed it.

 

[Voltron]

Why are you so defensive? :?

 

[Sentinel]

Gee Willikers Batman,
I don't recall you establishing "mom's" religion in the original (good story!) of yours. If not, could you possibly "plug-in" some post-mortem identity establishing her as a devout Hindu and write a sequel with a 'reincarnation' premise? .... and maybe to include (amazingly enough), another out-of-control UPS truck? :razz:

The End (for now).....

wow, a Hindu mom! And the UPS truck is laden, oops, loaded with RDX. Gee! Now we have an excuse to attack Pakistan :evil:

On the positive side, Kei, at least got to eat Dosa and sambaar, and did not die of peptic ulcers.

 

[Love Game]

I was wondering why his mom went from being unconscious to a "lifeless body" without Kei trying to do CPR on her . . .?