Dilemma dating a single mom

[soyizgood]

We met yesterday. This was a rather topsy-turvy encounter.

Almost reminded me of Star Wars "The Empire Strikes Back". Any original plans I had for our time got thrown out the window due to her making last-minutes changes, a few unexpected wrinkles she threw in, and I got upset at her for something she did to put me in an awkward spot.

Yet by the end of the evening we're slow-dancing in her candle-lit kitchen, embracing each other after consuming a bottle of Bailey's Irish cream loosened us up, and exchanging many sweet kisses. I told her that I want her and I can't even attribute that to the alcohol.

We discussed several topics and tried to address the other's key questions. So while we couldn't definitively answer them all, I feel I have a better idea of this situation than I did before I came to see her.

She's basically rearranged the script and now I have to adjust. But I am not too worried. I have my share of wits and I can adjust to sudden changes. I actually believe we want the same outcome. I'm going to be myself, act and react when I feel appropriate, and be prepared to set aside my pride while protecting my dignity. Keep it simple and let this adventure run its course.

 

[JoelDali]

Has she accepted the Eagle?

 

[soyizgood]

We've made a few breakthroughs. It started off a bit rocky, but since then I've been mostly smiling.

Yesterday I made chicken curry and taffy apple salad. I was cutting the chicken when her and her son came to my place. OMG she looked fantastic. I would have gladly put my hands and lips on her, but my hands were messy from cutting up that darn chicken.

I made plain rice because her son doesn't like anything fancy on it, but his grandmother fed him before he came. No problem as I had candy, crackers, and juice for him. Both my gf and her brother loved the curry. Her brother doesn't like marshmallows, but he liked the salad.

I finally took photos of me with her and her son. And I was really happy to see her son. He was occupied watching cartoons while sitting in between his mom and I.

After they left, I felt really happy and excited. I had trouble going back to sleep, but I was just in a pleasant mood. I feel we really will make this work.

 

[equinox]

Single mums are damaged goods, they're been dumped on side of a road for good reasons. Are you happy wasting time sifting through another's trash?

Remember women over 30 are known to be clingy and imminently aware they're on borrowed time to hook a male, suitable or not.

Imho don't get any closer to her broken family unit. You will never able to truly fill the role of father figure.

Continue having casual encounters with her and concentrate on younger fish.

Set sights on girls in there 20's and over 40 women.

Women in 30's must be handled with extreme care, so not to create or be trapped in unexpected unwanted situations. As great admiral ackbar once proclaimed.

It's a TRAP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWI8w9kLAks&feature=related

 

[hollywood9826]

Single mums are damaged goods, they're been dumped on side of a road for good reasons. Are you happy wasting time sifting through another's trash?

Remember women over 30 are known to be clingy and imminently aware they're on borrowed time to hook a male, suitable or not.

Imho don't get any closer to her broken family unit. You will never able to truly fill the role of father figure.

Continue having casual encounters with her and concentrate on younger fish.

Set sights on girls in there 20's and over 40 women.

Women in 30's must be handled with extreme care, so not to create or be trapped in unexpected unwanted situations. As great admiral ackbar once proclaimed.

It's a TRAP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWI8w9kLAks&feature=related

You know I was getting ready to completly disagree with everything you said here.

But then you Quoted the Admiral and it all made perfect sense to me.

Soy, Its a trap you gotta hit it and then you gotta quit it.

 

[thug the bunny]

Single mums are damaged goods, they're been dumped on side of a road for good reasons. Are you happy wasting time sifting through another's trash?

Remember women over 30 are known to be clingy and imminently aware they're on borrowed time to hook a male, suitable or not.

Imho don't get any closer to her broken family unit. You will never able to truly fill the role of father figure.

Continue having casual encounters with her and concentrate on younger fish.

Set sights on girls in there 20's and over 40 women.

Women in 30's must be handled with extreme care, so not to create or be trapped in unexpected unwanted situations. As great admiral ackbar once proclaimed.

It's a TRAP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWI8w9kLAks&feature=related

You, sir, are made of selfishness. In my youth I had an attitude like yours and focused solely on what made me superficially happy, casting my seed wherever and whenever I could. Then I married a girl who looked really good on my arm. I was the envy of all my friends. However, she didn't want children, and we got divorced due to her being a wh0re. Now that I'm older and wiser, I look back and see that I was an idiot with my hedonistic selfish attitude. 6 years ago I met a single mom with THREE kids who was in a bad way due to her ex being a douch bag. I swallowed my pride and self-centered ways, and got to know her and her kids, and we have been a real family ever since. I don't care what people say about not being a real dad, I am their real father. I taught them to ride bikes, fish, throw a ball, go camping, do algebra and geometry, appreciate art and music, etc. Our oldest boy (yes OUR) is on the HS golf team and I'm his coach. The younger two are swinging racquets. Life for me now has such richness and depth I never could have imagined before.

So OP, I wouldn't listen to these d!cks telling you to run. Step outside of yourself and let down your self-importance, and don't listen to your heart; listen to your soul.

 

[Andreas1965]

You, sir, are made of selfishness. In my youth I had an attitude like yours and focused solely on what made me superficially happy, casting my seed wherever and whenever I could. Then I married a girl who looked really good on my arm. I was the envy of all my friends. However, she didn't want children, and we got divorced due to her being a wh0re. Now that I'm older and wiser, I look back and see that I was an idiot with my hedonistic selfish attitude. 6 years ago I met a single mom with THREE kids who was in a bad way due to her ex being a douch bag. I swallowed my pride and self-centered ways, and got to know her and her kids, and we have been a real family ever since. I don't care what people say about not being a real dad, I am their real father. I taught them to ride bikes, fish, throw a ball, go camping, do algebra and geometry, appreciate art and music, etc. Our oldest boy (yes OUR) is on the HS golf team and I'm his coach. The younger two are swinging racquets. Life for me now has such richness and depth I never could have imagined before.

So OP, I wouldn't listen to these d!cks telling you to run. Step outside of yourself and let down your self-importance, and don't listen to your heart; listen to your soul.

Thank you for these words.

If one puts aside the BS like "my own flesh and blood" and looks at these kids to see who and what they really are (either lovable, adorable little beings or - in the worst case - little monsters) what could stop you from loving them (assuming they are belonging to category one )?

My wife is, according to @equinox, "damaged good". Although not a mom, she was married to a man for whom the term "Dbag" would be a compliment. We had a hard time at the beginning, he abused her by hitting her multiple times and there was patience and tolerance needed from both of us. But we overcame that and now we're together over a decade and happier than ever. We're unable to have kids (my "fault"), so we focus on helping the not-so-lucky children in our hometown. Being a MD specialising in infection control I voluntarily work for an organisation that tries to improve the rate of children being vaccinated among the poorest families. I consider these kids being "my little friends" and some of them I like a lot.

So, if I am able to like kids that are complete strangers, why shouldn't the OP be able to like/love the kid of a woman he seemingly fell in love with?

I apologize for my poor English, I'm from Germany.

 

[thug the bunny]

Andreas, your English is better than that of many kids here on TT.

Yes, viewing a woman as 'damaged goods' is reprehensible. People like that should try joining the human race.

Our kids are neither angels nor monsters; they are little people that need love and guidance, and therein lies the challenge and the process whereby parents grow and discover what it really means to be human.

 

[Fifth Set]

Being a MD specialising in infection control I voluntarily work for an organisation that tries to improve the rate of children being vaccinated among the poorest families. I consider these kids being "my little friends" and some of them I like a lot.

So, if I am able to like kids that are complete strangers, why shouldn't the OP be able to like/love the kid of a woman he seemingly fell in love with?

I apologize for my poor English, I'm from Germany.

I'm afraid that the answer to your rhetorical question about kids is, "Because many people just don't like kids as much as they are told that they supposed to." Sad but true.

You're obviously a very evolved human being (the cause of childhood vaccination is a particularly fantastic one, IMHO), but not everyone else is. I just wish all those people who had kids loved them as much as you like complete strangers. The world would be a much better place.

 

[sureshs]

I'm afraid that the answer to your rhetorical question about kids is, "Because many people just don't like kids as much as they are told that they supposed to." Sad but true.

You're obviously a very evolved human being (the cause of childhood vaccination is a particularly fantastic one, IMHO), but not everyone else is. I just wish all those people who had kids loved them as much as you like complete strangers. The world would be a much better place.

But he said he does that because he and his wife cannot have kids (he uses "so"). If he had his own kids and was preoccupied with them and worrying about their future and family expenses, would he be doing the same? That is really the crux of the matter. Most parents don't have time for other kids because raising your own is not easy.

 

[Fifth Set]

If he had his own kids and was preoccupied with them and worrying about their future and family expenses, would he be doing the same? That is really the crux of the matter. Most parents don't have time for other kids because raising your own is not easy.

That's not the issue in this thread at all. The issue is whether men have patience for kids who are not biologically theirs. That's what lies ahead for the OP. That's a big part of what others are telling him to not bother with.

Andreas establishes that some guys do have patience for kids who are not biologically theirs. In his case, "patience" that could save kids' lives due to the immunizations they might not otherwise get.

Where reasonable people could disagree is whether Andreas is typical. I'm afraid he is not.

 

[Andreas1965]

I'm afraid that the answer to your rhetorical question about kids is, "Because many people just don't like kids as much as they are told that they supposed to." Sad but true.

You're obviously a very evolved human being (the cause of childhood vaccination is a particularly fantastic one, IMHO), but not everyone else is. I just wish all those people who had kids loved them as much as you like complete strangers. The world would be a much better place.

As long as some parents rather spend time in front of the TV or using drugs / drinking /both than taking their kids to the doctor, there will be the demand of taking care of these children. You can try to talk these parents into caring for their kids, or accept the fact that some people are simply too dumb to realize that they are responsible.
So we decided to go to their places instead of waiting for them to come to ours. We have a bus, fully equipped, which goes to all the "bad neighborhoods" several times per month. There we examine the kids, offer vaccination and/or other treatment. Many of them have serious allergies, or suffer from tobacco smoking parents. It's terrible.

But he said he does that because he and his wife cannot have kids (he uses "so"). If he had his own kids and was preoccupied with them and worrying about their future and family expenses, would he be doing the same? That is really the crux of the matter. Most parents don't have time for other kids because raising your own is not easy.

Maybe you're right, maybe not. I don't know, because I am not in a situation being a father.
Fact is: my voluntary work gives me more back than I have to invest.
And: Some of my fellow workers are parents and CAN afford to spend time.

I guess the voluntary work can never be a substitute for a family, it's something you add to your family life.

Neither me nor my colleges are saints. We play tennis, golf, we party, we are lazy sometimes and do whatever we want. But for some hours every week we do something we believe in. That's all.

 

[sureshs]

As long as some parents rather spend time in front of the TV or using drugs / drinking /both than taking their kids to the doctor, there will be the demand of taking care of these children. You can try to talk these parents into caring for their kids, or accept the fact that some people are simply too dumb to realize that they are responsible.
So we decided to go to their places instead of waiting for them to come to ours. We have a bus, fully equipped, which goes to all the "bad neighborhoods" several times per month. There we examine the kids, offer vaccination and/or other treatment. Many of them have serious allergies, or suffer from tobacco smoking parents. It's terrible.

Maybe you're right, maybe not. I don't know, because I am not in a situation being a father.
Fact is: my voluntary work gives me more back than I have to invest.
And: Some of my fellow workers are parents and CAN afford to spend time.

I guess the voluntary work can never be a substitute for a family, it's something you add to your family life.

Neither me nor my colleges are saints. We play tennis, golf, we party, we are lazy sometimes and do whatever we want. But for some hours every week we do something we believe in. That's all.

Yeah. Hate to say this, but parents with biological kids often do not care about other kids at all. Know a couple of them myself. Also know a couple who have adopted a child after not having been able to have one. But they chose own of their own race and ethnicity. That is a sensitive issue in adoptive and foster parenting which social workers know, but try to smooth over.

One parent (father) actually told me privately that he had strong likes and dislikes about other kids which arose from the fact that he wanted to keep his children away from the ones he disliked. There are others who don't like kids who do better than their own in tennis, academics, whatever.

 

[Magic of tennis]

Single mums are damaged goods, they're been dumped on side of a road for good reasons. Are you happy wasting time sifting through another's trash?

Remember women over 30 are known to be clingy and imminently aware they're on borrowed time to hook a male, suitable or not.

Imho don't get any closer to her broken family unit. You will never able to truly fill the role of father figure.

Continue having casual encounters with her and concentrate on younger fish.

Set sights on girls in there 20's and over 40 women.

Women in 30's must be handled with extreme care, so not to create or be trapped in unexpected unwanted situations. As great admiral ackbar once proclaimed.

It's a TRAP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWI8w9kLAks&feature=related

I wouldn't necessarily agree with you but you have a point.
My brother married to this woman who was kicked out from previous marrige. She was single and she acted she never married before. The problem was her bad attitude and strong personality. I wish my poor brother never married her. They have two kids. He worried about his two kids and put it up with her even today.

 

[soyizgood]

Update!

It has been a crazy time for me in her town. For 4 days my instincts and head were at odds about this relationship. Then it was decided on Tuesday after a trip to a store and dinner. I didn't forsee this outcome. She wanted me to buy a certain gift. Instead of saying no, I said I would buy it on one condition. The result: WE GOT ENGAGED!

I acted on my instincts from the time we first got together and my instincts persuaded me to keep trusting it. Even if it meant going against my head a few times. It somehow knew her feelings about me were indeed real. Exactly seven months we went from total strangers to now making plans to being together for the long haul. The next evening we felt an even stronger bond over a candle lit dinner she prepared.

 

[Timbo's hopeless slice]

ye gods.

ok, look, too late for advice, clearly.

Good luck, Soy!!!!

 

[chrischris]

Single mums are damaged goods, they're been dumped on side of a road for good reasons. Are you happy wasting time sifting through another's trash?

Remember women over 30 are known to be clingy and imminently aware they're on borrowed time to hook a male, suitable or not.

Imho don't get any closer to her broken family unit. You will never able to truly fill the role of father figure.

Continue having casual encounters with her and concentrate on younger fish.

Set sights on girls in there 20's and over 40 women.

Women in 30's must be handled with extreme care, so not to create or be trapped in unexpected unwanted situations. As great admiral ackbar once proclaimed.

It's a TRAP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWI8w9kLAks&feature=related

Great post in a way. ..seems you feel it is always the womens fault when divorce occurs.
Is that your view here?

How many times have you felt trapped?

 

[hollywood9826]

It has been a crazy time for me in her town. For 4 days my instincts and head were at odds about this relationship. Then it was decided on Tuesday after a trip to a store and dinner. I didn't forsee this outcome. She wanted me to buy a certain gift. Instead of saying no, I said I would buy it on one condition. The result: WE GOT ENGAGED!

I acted on my instincts from the time we first got together and my instincts persuaded me to keep trusting it. Even if it meant going against my head a few times. It somehow knew her feelings about me were indeed real. Exactly seven months we went from total strangers to now making plans to being together for the long haul. The next evening we felt an even stronger bond over a candle lit dinner she prepared.

You hit it, but I guess there aint no quittin now.

Congrats dude. Best of luck

 

[Datacipher]

Single mums are damaged goods, they're been dumped on side of a road for good reasons. Are you happy wasting time sifting through another's trash?

Remember women over 30 are known to be clingy and imminently aware they're on borrowed time to hook a male, suitable or not.

Imho don't get any closer to her broken family unit. You will never able to truly fill the role of father figure.

Continue having casual encounters with her and concentrate on younger fish.

Set sights on girls in there 20's and over 40 women.

Women in 30's must be handled with extreme care, so not to create or be trapped in unexpected unwanted situations. As great admiral ackbar once proclaimed.

It's a TRAP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWI8w9kLAks&feature=related

LOL! Maybe that's why I have no advice to give...when I think about it.....my last gf was 24...and in the months that followed her, my relations have been with ages 44,21, and 23, and in fact, when I think about it...I've never actually dated a woman in her 30's!

I didn't realize I was doing the right thing ;-)

 

[Datacipher]

ye gods.

ok, look, too late for advice, clearly.

Good luck, Soy!!!!

+1......and yikes!

 

[nhat8121]

I foresee happily ever after. Gratz soyizgoodie.

 

[soyizgood]

A couple of reactions from friends so far:
"What!? Yes to what? Marriage!? Holy Cr@p!!", "I got the pictures! She's beautiful!", "Whaaaaat!", "Wow....dang that's fast!", "Having a lot of exercise?", "WOW !!!! CONGRATULATIONS Lil Bro !!! The three of you make a very beautiful family", "I could see LOVE in the pictures..
Congulations to you BOTH", "If you think she feels the same for you then you should follow your heart desires", "Oh, wow! Well, finally, we have a winner!"

 

[nhat8121]

ok pictures or this is fake?

 

[soyizgood]

ok pictures or this is fake?

I'll be nice and post a link as soon as I upload them to another site.

http://i41.tinypic.com/xm502a.jpg
http://i40.tinypic.com/1qg03t.jpg

 

[Buffster]

I'm in a very similar situation, with the difference being that my girl is 30 and I'm 25 and she has two kids instead of one. At the moment I'm also unsure on how to proceed from now on. I love spending time with her, think about her when I wake up, go to sleep and every second in between. The thing is though... do I want to commit myself to a woman with two kids...

tough, tough, tough

 

[soyizgood]

I'm in a very similar situation, with the difference being that my girl is 30 and I'm 25 and she has two kids instead of one. At the moment I'm also unsure on how to proceed from now on. I love spending time with her, think about her when I wake up, go to sleep and every second in between. The thing is though... do I want to commit myself to a woman with two kids...

tough, tough, tough

At 25 I met a 22 year old woman I was very fond of. When she broke up with me, I was devastated. But I figured I'd find the right girl in no time. I would have totally laughed at the notion of being single at 30. But now I'm 34.

You need to think this out, but don't overthink it. It's so easy to let your head and/or heart drag into things. Have you two gotten to know each other's short and long term goals? Are you comfortable around her kids? If the kids are not much of an issue, then it's an issue of whether you two see eye to eye. Are you going to run away or hide at the first sign of trouble? Or do you work together to find solutions to the issues? Communication is vital because without it, doubts, temptations, what-ifs, mixed signs, just kick in to poison things.

The kids likely aren't the primary problem, but your and her personal ambitions and needs might be if they aren't expressed clearly. Each relationship is unique. It takes two to make it work, but only one to ruin it. Just my .02. Good luck.

 

[Andreas1965]

I'll be nice and post a link as soon as I upload them to another site.

http://i41.tinypic.com/xm502a.jpg
http://i40.tinypic.com/1qg03t.jpg

Man, congrats and all the luck in the world!!

Remember: once the first few months are over, the ride will become a lot rougher! You and your girl can't play prince and princess forever. Everyday life is waiting for you...

The real challenge isn't finding someone you love, it's staying with this person and conserve the love and respect!!

 

[JohnnyCracker]

Soy, is this your first white woman?

 

[r2473]

Thinking back on a past "Soy" thread, I wonder if he'll buy a house.

 

[1970CRBase]

At 25 I met a 22 year old woman I was veryy fond of. When she broke up with me, I was devastated. But I figured I'd find the right girl in no time. I would have totally laughed at the notion of being single at 30. But now I'm 34.

I don't quite get this bit. As a man in your thirties, you are concerned about being single? In HK at that age, if you are well educated and fit *single is an optional extra, life is just beginning in terms of women...

of course, it is a bit of a supply and demand issue here with more single women than men in the marriage age group.

 

[adamX012]

Soyizgood poster,

Don't feel discouraged at your age of 34. Right woman comes alone if you do pray hard enough. Cheers, happy posting.

.................
At 25 I met a 22 year old woman I was veryy fond of. When she broke up with me, I was devastated. But I figured I'd find the right girl in no time. I would have totally laughed at the notion of being single at 30. But now I'm 34.

 

[JoelDali]

This thread reminds me of 'Ice Castles'.

Love conquers all.

So happy for OP and the lucky lady.

 

[soyizgood]

Not too much new. Looking set for her and her son to move here this summer. I struck a deal to get new carpet for the apartment. Been comparing elementary schools in my area (looking at test scores, checking out tour dates, looking at parent reviews, etc.) and I'm wanting to get him enrolled at one of the better schools. Family and co-workers are already nudging me for invites to the wedding.

Started reading a book on being a stepfather. I'm over the shock of getting engaged. Trying to transition from independent, stubborn bachelor to being husband and father material. So many things to do in such little time.

But I'm happy about this happening.

 

[Power Player]

At 25 I met a 22 year old woman I was veryy fond of. When she broke up with me, I was devastated. But I figured I'd find the right girl in no time. I would have totally laughed at the notion of being single at 30. But now I'm 34.

Best time to be single. I swear. Personally am loving it. I meet girls all the time, and can be as picky as I want. Once you hit 30 you really figure out how to have your own life and if someone wants to share in that and add to it, awesome.

 

[heycal]

This looks like a promising thread, at least by title, yet there's no way I'm reading 10 pages of posts. Can someone summarize the highlights and lowlights and bring me up to speed? What did I miss?

 

[JoelDali]

What did I miss?

Roger hit a tweener.

Fedace was banned.

Cortex is evil and destructive.

Basalt is life.

 

[Legend of Borg]

This looks like a promising thread, at least by title, yet there's no way I'm reading 10 pages of posts. Can someone summarize the highlights and lowlights and bring me up to speed? What did I miss?

No one won in the end.

 

[soyizgood]

This looks like a promising thread, at least by title, yet there's no way I'm reading 10 pages of posts. Can someone summarize the highlights and lowlights and bring me up to speed? What did I miss?

Hard for me to explain, and I'm the OP.

• Found myself single again.
• Communicated with a divorced mom in a town I had to visit.
• 1st date went well and to top things off, she kissed my lips at the end. I returned the favor.
• She introduced me to her 4 year old son at the end of our 2nd date.
• At the end of the 3rd date I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes.
• After returning home, I started wondering what I just might be getting myself into.
• Despite my worries, I cashed my flyer miles to visit her again
• 6 months later and countless thoughts swirling in my head, we meet again.
• Both questioned the other's intentions, disagreements were addressed, tough questions asked, and her son played a role during the visit.
• I couldn't really sleep as I was trying to figure out how to proceed. Brain and instincts were at odds.
• .... and you'll have to read the rest of the thread. Lots of interesting advice and opinions on this.

 

[hollywood9826]

This looks like a promising thread, at least by title, yet there's no way I'm reading 10 pages of posts. Can someone summarize the highlights and lowlights and bring me up to speed? What did I miss?

Ill play this game.

Broke up with a chic who stopped putting out cuz she was bangin someone else.

Hooked up with a chic who had a kid, if they got a kid you know they are DTF.

After hitting the skins it was determined that the skins were worth repeated hittin. But wasnt sure if he wanted a little kid around getting in the way everytime it was skin hittin time.

Is checking out schools to send the kid to long enough to hit skins.

 

[r2473]

^I can't decide if Hollywood should work for Cliff's notes or Hallmark, but he's brilliant.

 

[heycal]

Hard for me to explain, and I'm the OP.

• Found myself single again.
• Communicated with a divorced mom in a town I had to visit.
• 1st date went well and to top things off, she kissed my lips at the end. I returned the favor.
• She introduced me to her 4 year old son at the end of our 2nd date.
• At the end of the 3rd date I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes.
• After returning home, I started wondering what I just might be getting myself into.
• Despite my worries, I cashed my flyer miles to visit her again
• 6 months later and countless thoughts swirling in my head, we meet again.
• Both questioned the other's intentions, disagreements were addressed, tough questions asked, and her son played a role during the visit.
• I couldn't really sleep as I was trying to figure out how to proceed. Brain and instincts were at odds.
• .... and you'll have to read the rest of the thread. Lots of interesting advice and opinions on this.

I can't read the thread. Then what happened??

Ill play this game.

Broke up with a chic who stopped putting out cuz she was bangin someone else.

Hooked up with a chic who had a kid, if they got a kid you know they are DTF.

After hitting the skins it was determined that the skins were worth repeated hittin. But wasnt sure if he wanted a little kid around getting in the way everytime it was skin hittin time.

Is checking out schools to send the kid to long enough to hit skins.

Nice work!