donquijote
G.O.A.T.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck.
Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..
- Thread starter Leelord337
- Start date
stringertom
Bionic Poster
Cops knead calories and caffeine too!
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
C
Chadillac
Guest
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
Rafa.the.Magnificent
G.O.A.T.
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Dear friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join
me in remembering a great icon.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Dear friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join
me in remembering a great icon.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Mongolmike
Hall of Fame
Who invented fractions?
Henry the Eighth
Henry the Eighth
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
LOL, I've got several dozen emails about all kinds of people updating their private policy. Finally created a filter to send them to trash.
That is because of a new law that went into effect recently in the US. Sites must declare if they use cookies, etc. Even otherwise, companies are scared, because hackers have stolen all kinds of data from social media companies.
Boom-Boom
Legend
lol
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
C
Chadillac
Guest
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his son off at school?
Bi-son
Bi-son
Irrefutable
New User
How does a skunk protect itself?
instinct........ in stink
instinct........ in stink
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
Very Punny !!!
1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6.If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you
8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns...
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound !!
1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6.If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you
8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns...
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound !!
FoldingChair
Semi-Pro
SPOILER FOR AVENGERS INFINITY WAR
Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap his fingers twice to make her vanish.
I’ll see myself out
Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to snap his fingers twice to make her vanish.
I’ll see myself out
Irrefutable
New User
In case you missed it.
Astronomically small might be the correct term, but usually astronomical is used for large numbers.
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
Like your waste size ?
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Mainad
Bionic Poster
26. The patron saint of loose women is St. Nickerless.
stringertom
Bionic Poster
A beautiful woman asked me to visit her at her home some fine evening but I had to refuse because I'm so broke I can't spend the night.
